late posting from Nov... 2009! Was that really last year?

Nov 29
So, as usual, it’s been a couple of months since I wrote! I can proudly say I’ve been busy. Since my last post, I’ve gotten a job, wrapped a web series, updated both my website and commercial reels, had new headshots taken, and had a lovely Thanksgiving with my mom and my boyfriend’s family, all together, for the first shared holiday. Sigh. You can check out the updated commercial reel at www.jewelgreenberg.com. I’m quickly approaching a year in LA and it’s satisfying to be able to look at my reel and say – these are all new spots. This is the image I’m promoting for myself within 8 months of moving to LA. It’s great to have something concrete to measure my progress by instead of the usual, “Oh, I’ve been doing workshops… I love my acting class… I’ve just been meeting a lot of people…” It’s also great to realize that there really is more work out here, and I’m getting some of it! After having short hair for 2 years in DC, I moved to LA and still had commercial footage of myself with long hair on my reel. After being here since for 9 months, my new commercial reel is all short hair footage!

Other exciting news is that we wrapped Simply Simon! I can’t tell you any details until we air in January, but it looks like my character may be coming back for Season 2, hopefully after some huge sponsor sweeps in and decides to pay our production costs. Keep your fingers crossed, and check out our behind the scenes blogs at www.watchsimplysimon.com.

I’ve also been learning a lot about myself. I’m bartending now at a restaurant pretty near my house and my awesome all girls bootcamp ended the same week I started training. I’ve been doing yoga, but no weight lifting or running plus I’ve been eating more restaurant food and drinking more than normal for me and what happened? Not only do I have a new job, I also have a new 5 lbs. So, it’s time to start running again and lifting weights, even though I’ll be doing it by myself. Theo and I have mad a pact that we’ll lose 7 lbs by mid-Jan. Here goes! We’ve both gotten a little puffy around the mid-section, even though Theo swears that Thanksgiving foods don’t have calories… It’s nice to have a challenge with my love.

I’ve also been reading a book called “The Drama of the Gifted Child” all about how our childhoods – both the good parts and the bad parts – shape our perception of ourselves and the world. As the oldest sort of – my older brother grew up with his mom and my younger brothers and I grew up with our dad – I’ve never really given much thought to birth order other than feeling like I had it the hardest – paving the way for the younger siblings and all. But as I was reading this book, and over a couple of weeks of thinking about it, I realized that a couple of things are linked to the experience of having three younger brothers…
a. having extremely high expectations for myself
b. feeling like I have to get it perfect, whatever it is
c. worrying about being not enough

As the oldest kid, and perhaps as a girl child, I felt not just like I should help my mom with my little brothers, but that she really needed me to. I don’t know what I thought would happen if she didn’t have my help, but it must have been something big… of course, at that age (5 or so), Mom being unhappy in anyway is a huge concern, so maybe that’s all I was worried about. I’ve always expected great things from myself – perhaps that all started with expecting myself to keep the little brothers on track to help Mom and Dad. I’ve also felt that, at least with things that really important to me, I need to get them perfect before I turn it in, perform it, mail it, etc. That’s certainly linked to having high expectations, and acting class has been a huge help in relearning this trigger of not performing until it’s “perfect”. What will happen if I perform something that’s not perfect? I’ll get some great direction and some great feedback and will have the opportunity to bring it back and do it again better. What will happen if I never perform it because I need to get more solid on my lines, I haven’t had enough time this week to work on it, I’m still thinking about the character? I’ll never put it up, never have the opportunity to learn and sit in the back of the class feeling like I suck because I’m not good enough, brave enough, smart enough, etc. Much higher consequences than just deciding to put up with imperfection. And as for feeling “not enough”, it’s all linked up. By believing I have to get it perfect and having extremely (read “too”) high expectations, I often feel not enough – not skinny enough, not brave enough, not knowledgeable enough, etc. These feelings keep me from excelling and meeting my high expectations – I stop myself before I even get started. Not a recipe for success. How do I quit?
a. Lower the expectations – a run doesn’t have to be a hard 45 min every time. It’s enough to get out and move a little every day.
b. Get rid of perfection – do silly things! Don’t worry about the consequences of things that aren’t that important. Be brave.
c. Tell myself, every day, in lots of ways, that I am enough. Visualize it. Believe it.

So, all that said, it’s true that at the moment, I don’t fit the body type of leading lady. It’s also true that leading lady is what I want to play. Since I don’t think the industry is going to change as quickly as I hope my career does, I’m changing my size, but not by beating myself up for being “average”, telling myself to do it while believing I can’t really, and feeling not enough. Instead, I’m going to run a little bit every day, keep doing yoga, keep a food journal and plan meals for calories, and cheer myself on positively. And look at bikes on Craig’s List to find a cheap road bike I can take to work. Consistant and dedicated effort, in the words of the yoga sutras.